Hell and the End

Hell and the End

 On the 14^th of February, it has been 9 days, and everything has changed so fare,

On the 6^th of February, O Erisir, Call me and said, she doesn't want to help me anymore. She is going to take the statement back, her family will do the same, because, I have lied, she doesn't want to take any responsibility, She even call my brother in USA.  And then stop talking to me. I said to her you made the right decision! I tried to call her lots of time, but, she ignored.

On the 7^th my anti form Swansea called me and said, she has just spoken to Erisir. She will help up until I get the bill, then she will leave me alone.

I know this road will end one day but, don’t know when!

The amount of tears drooped of my eyes, if I don’t cry rest of my life, still will not going to be balance.

Cannot get sleep at night, when leave my bed in the morning, my pillow gets wet.

I have never miss my family, but, this time everything broken. I am missing them a lot. If Erisir could speak to me for little bit, half of my pain could have been reduced. But, she chose not to, why should she…? I am fucking lair….that all she said.
She saw a picture in my album with my cousin which has been taken 2003 sometime....and she got angry...it's 2013 now....!! how funny is that...
she log in to my e-mail and saw a from, which has been filled up, 23 years ago, by uncle who lived in USA, My name, my fathers name, all of the date of births was wrong in there...! she chose to believe that, and not to believe, my birth certificate, SSC, HSC, my university degree,all my certificates...come on, I thought you are cleaver then that...!! 

I have tried to find out tow guarantor, so, I can get bail.

By the 21^st of February things got more twisted. My fried suhel, who previously agreed to be my guarantor, now he doesn't want to be that anymore, he said what if I runway, of take some bank loan and then gone...?
this is the friend, I was about to open the business with. How funny....!!

 I have asked, Erisir, said she doesn't want as well.

On the 23 my lawyer, call me and said, O.Erisir went to the solicitor’s office and collect all her statements and passport copies.

I just looked at the sky, didn't say single word. Nothings to say...

So, I have brought my tickets on 27^th of February, as I can’t stay here anymore.  On the 26^th I have received an e-mail.

Has An	25 Feb ndif]-->
to o.ersr@

Hi Ersr

I am soo sorry to wirte you this last e-mail. You will not hear form me.......!!

Of-course everyone will move on and I will do that much quicker then u can imagine.

I am not like you; Doesn't matter what ? how heard ? what is the cost ? I will never ever leave my friend alone while he/she is in trouble, when I know he/she did hide some truth. I will do everything possible I can.  

Even tho you chose not to help me; but, until today I was trying to help you, lift you up little bit,coz I know the situation. giving you car,test fees, looking for your Job,when I know, I won't get any benefit for it ! Because, I am not like you. up to you what you will do. take it or refused it.

 You think I will come back for you....believe me I will not. I should have been listen, while my well wisher doubt about you, but, I thought you are different... turns out you are not. you are right in one point I don't understand you....!!!

I am really happy, my Allah doesn't want me to take you help. Otherwise ; I have regret rest of my life.

when people make any decision, the result doesn't come out instantly. It takes time. I made a decision 2 years ago, now I am in a mass !

Hope and wish you made the right one. May Allah not make you regret.

wish you good luck.

May Allah make you success in you life! Amen !

o_ersr@	25 Feb (8 days ago]-->
to HasAn

Your pathetic! By writing these stupid emails you think you can trick me init! I think I've dont the best decision for the rest of my life! I do not regret nothing! I never do something which I would regret later! I am very happy with my decision! It's MY decision ok!. Hasan this country doesn't belong to me. I do not want you to come back for me! Just live your life in London or else where but just stay away from me ok me and my family do not want to hear from you. You keep saying you will not come for me it's not like I'm begging for you! I want you to leave me and my family alone. Do you understand! This is my final message to you hasan. Please leave me alone. Done email me don't contact me. I wish you more than what you wish for me! I know your cursing me, I don't mind actually I don't care. Just do what ever you like! You come to this world once live it to the max. I am truly from the bottom of my heart pleased and happy about my decision for not speaking to you and I wish you could understand this. I helped you untill last minute. but you dont seem to feel or see it, its fine though i dont need to hear your thought about that even if i told you, you would only believe what you want to believe. you always belived what you wanted to believe but dont the truth. Goodbye hasan, thanks for everything you did for me and my family, we really do appreciate it. You did a lot for us, I know but I think I did pay it all off. I don't have any regret in my heart at all.

I wish you happiness and success on your path hasan, your a strong person I know you would meet better people. Always be happy.

Bye..

Sent from my iPhone

She said if send one more e-mail, she will go to court......! I am Soooooo scared....!!!

I went to the Airort. My flight was at 16.45. at 15.20 an immigration officer came to me and said, Mr. Hasan ! your are not flying today.

What ? Why..?

You need to go back to the detention center !

No ! I don’t want to go back inside that hell !

I have brought another ticket, for 6^th of March. My birthday is 1^st of March Friday. I have just prayed evening prayer, an officer came to me said, you need to go and see immigration office. It was 3^rd floor.

Hasan ! you are leave now. You have got the admission. Go and pack you stuff in 15minits. Is it my birthday gift...!
Why am getting released ?
Because, we have found some evidence that-you are the victim of organised criminals ..so, you are under considerations, 

I have forgotten, everyone left me, but, my Allah didn't, I have depended on the wrong people. I should have been depending on Allah. This is a big lesson. Now I know who my true friend is?

Strange feeling, as soon as I got the paper for admission...I felt I don’t want to leave now...!

Am I upset...?

No....everyone lives for themselves, why someone going to waste there life for me...!

 I didn't lose anything...because, she never loved me, but she has lost everything, because, I loved her, and still do... she didn't choose me...I did....!!

I don't do trick....I don't know how to do tricks.....

A Journey from Haven to Hell

Bang! Bang!

We are form UKBA open the door. Bang! Bang!

I was half of sleep, quickly open the door for them.

 ‘Everyone please stay in your room’. One officer sought.

It was 7.30am in the morning, 5^th of February. The day everything changed in my life.

 >Hasan ! can you show me your passport?

 >Yes ! this is my passport !

Quickly officer took the passport, and call to the home office, and confirm that my passport visa is problematic ! it was indefinite leave to remain.

My eyes went blank. Can’t see anything;

<>Mr. Hasan ! we well take you to the detention centre. You can take some cloths if you want. Do you know this is fake visa ?

<>         No ! I don’t!

<>         Where did you get that ?

<>     It has been given by ‘Khan Solicitors’

<>         How much you have paid for it ?

<>         Six thousand five hundred?

<>         Have you got any receipt ?

<>        Yes ! I do !

  >        Give me those receipts !

The officer took the reaccepts and some other documents. Let’s go. They took me to the prison van.

My head has gone completely empty. Can’t think of nothings;

I use to drive those roads; now all of them look unknown to me. Why? Don’t know!

The van stop somewhere in Leyton; Now I have a company! He jsut woke up. I looked at him, he seems can’t believe himself what happen!!

I was thinking; all planes I have made; last couple of months, for next week as well as end of the month.

I have booked a hotel for 14^th of February, Isle of White, booked a helicopter for an hour, orderd a ring, I wanted to propose love of my life O.Erisir in the skay, 2000ft up from the land. It will be our first Valentine’s Day! Ersr use to say- ‘don’t make big plane!’ it will not come true. Very funny!!!

End of the month there are four birthday including me. 25^th, 1^st, 3^rd,7^th all birthdays, gifts...

Before thinking more we have arrived at Backet House ! They locked us in room, quite big, two toilets, couple of books, magazines, news papers.

Soon more people arrived, five more, everyone was mute, faces was sad, worried, no one know what will happen?

Strange world, if we think of time, I think time goes very slow, why ? I am not scientist, so...

I have received six call so fare; all form Erisir, she was crying, giving me mental support, asked me not to think of nothing. Erisir said to me, UKBA send her Dad back, but, will not let that happened to me. She was crying alot;

The staffs was polite, helpful, they are only transporter name ‘Tascor’.

I wasn’t scared, jsut sad, because of my plane, those will be unfulfilled desire. Is there any human in this planate? Who doesn’t have any unfulfilled desire while he/she was dying...??

By the evening I have been given couple of papers, IS98,IS98A,IS151A,IS91R,IS86 I am not a law experts so I don’t know what it’s mean ?

The officers said ‘Hasan you have been detain, you cannot go home.

My eyes gone blarry, I can only see what black. I have booked 4 tickts for Erisir family, as those will be there birthday gift. Ha...Ha...strange world.

By the 9.40pm I have arrived at Brook House IRC. It’s near Gatwick Airport. To come to the reception I had to cross 5 doors.

Like the way sky gets change in the evening every day, O. Erisir voice got changed as well. She call me and said – Hasan I have trust issue, you are not telling me every things, So, I don’t trust you as well. And I will not help you if are not telling me everything. She got upset, I think angry as well.

What I could say!!

I have been victim of organised criminal, they my money, and put fake visa on my passport, the runway, seven thousand pound, I didn’t know it’s fake! I suppose to get all my document, but, the solicitor firm has closed down and arrested, When I have found out, it was too late....! too late...

Can I prove it, no; apart from 3 receipts i don’t have any document. Why someone will believe me ?

So many times I wanted to tell her, Canim, I am in big mass, my life is ruin, I have lost my concentration, she was saying it, I don’t love her that much anymore, her mum was saying it, I don’t come to their house.

But, I could not, why, I don’t know! May be she will be upset or maybe she will think, now she have to do me a favour. My relation will look like for a reason. Now I know I was another mistake. Mistake cannot go alone; another mistake needs to go with him.

My love for her was unconditional; I wanted to be like that. If my love is true, then one day 'll come again. If it’s fake then, it won’t.

After crossing 17 doors, I have come to Brook hour B wing. Wow.

Around 1.30am. Room no 109. I don’t like it, 9 is not prime number, 3x3=9. I heat even numbers. I wanted to mark the room so, I have written in the wall

‘’Hasan love O. Erisir’’.

‘’O.Erisir loves Hasan’’.

(to be continue) 

An un-posted letter to O.Yadirgi !!

Dear Yadirgi,

I thought what you said to me the other day, about me. I stayed up half the night thinking about it. Then something occurred to me. I fell into a deep sleep and haven’t thought about it since. You know what occurred to me?

You’re just a kid. You don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about. You never have been out of your surroundings. If I ask you about love you will give me some book theory,-‘’ by saying you can’t see it, it’s only feeling.’’ You have no idea what the hell is ‘’feeling’’. If love is only feeling, then would you consider yourself, felling a love with a person who is sexually incompetent?? Of-course not, isn’t it?

 If I ask you about Men, You’d probably give me a syllabus of your personal favourites. You may have even been laid a few times. But can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a man and feel truly happy, you’ve never looked at a man and been totally vulnerable, known someone that could level you with his eyes, feeling like God put angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be his angel, to have that love for him be there forever, through anything.

You don’t know about loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than yourself. I doubt you’ve never dared to love anybody that much. Maybe you do have lots of text friends, but, if I ask you name one of them, who don’t want to have sex with you, but truly like you as you are now and will like you when you’re older. You won’t be able to give a name. Because, you know that, there is no one among them.

I look at you; I don’t see an intelligent, confident girl. I see a scared, indecisive kid. You’re a tough girl, no one possible understand depth of you. How hard your life has been, how you feel, you’re terrified what you might say. Only handful of people can chose the different way. I don’t think you’re one of them.

Now you have got the beauty, perfect physical condition, so you can go out with anyone, but think about after 10 or 15 years. When you won’t have that beauty any more, you will get married a man, who won’t understand your value, Chance is break up follow by divorce! Well! Who’s best friend is ‘’Red bull’’, No one expect batter then that!!

Look at your wise, noble mum, sacrificing her beautiful life for her daughters. She has taken father and mothers both responsibilities on her shoulder. She doesn’t have any choice, because your father is not there anymore. All Mums are same; they will sacrifice themselves for their child. It is children’s responsibility to relief their parents.  I wish I could get one chance to do something for her.Don't you think somethings wrong??

Dear Yadirgi, if you think I’m writing you this letter, because you said you don’t want to be…! Or you don’t want anything from…!bla..bla..bla.. Then you’re 100% wrong. If you think this is not my business, then also you’re wrong. Because, the definition of ‘right & wrong’ are varies person to person. I’m one of those people, who always want to give, don’t expect anything Back. You didn’t recognise your best friend. If you forget everything, then just remember this- ‘A time will come, when you‘ll need someone like me, what a mistake you maid!’ I wish I could be there that time. No one is perfect, you’re not, and I’m not. But the question is whether or not we’re perfect for each other?  That’s the deal, that’s what intimacy is all about. Use to my mum call me shameless cat, I have got lots of cat habit. If you hit a naughty cat, he will go way for some time, and then come back few minutes later. If I’m sending you this letter you’re lucky, if not then also you’re lucky.

Your

HasAn

(This is an imaginary letter,)

Hate me or Love me This is I Am !!

It has been quite a long time I’m away from my family, lots of things I really don’t understand. I always think everyone will be same as me; there is no one you need to give answer to, can go home any time, come out any time, no one will wait, or ask any question. 

One of my friend asked if I don’t listen to her and don’t change the way I do things. Then she will stop talking to me.

This creates a big problem. Some time I even don’t listen to my Parents, especially my Mum, how I’m gonna listen to her all the time? Well actually, I do listen, but I don’t follow the advice.

Maybe I could do some compromise, I suppose!  But, it’s really difficult; I do follow my own way. 

If she doesn’t want to speak to me, it will be entirely her choice. I can’t make someone to like me, love me!! If she doesn’t understand, it’s not her fault; maybe, I could not able to make her to understand, or my expectation is faulty, my love is not pure!! 

And anyway, we won’t get everything’s we want. Some of the desire will be always left over. 

It’s totally someone’s choice, what type of person she wants be with, goes with.

It’s all happen because of me, I was asking too much. I’m the ideate. Not realising family people can’t come out any time they want, but, it’s ok! you do learn by mistake.

I know it doesn’t matter what I think! But, still some time do wonder human are very unlucky! When someone like you, loves you, true love, we don’t recognise that? We think this is craziness! When the loveone wants do something willingly, think this is rubbish, as a human we never appreciate that. If someone doing something for us without asking any return, we don’t believe them .People always  give their true, real love to someone who doesn’t deserve it, who is not capable to give the price of real and true love, some time even does hurting, shouting.

How can she stay away for me and go? How can her heart forget me so? That perfume on her breath is me. How ever will she stop, not breathe? 

Meeting with an Angel.

Last time i saw the Angel a week ago. Since I was remembering Angel form bottom of my heart every day, but, Angel wasn’t turning up, until yesterday. Finally when Angel came I asked;

: You said, you will come whenever I do call you, but you didn’t.

: You should know Angel has got the family; they can’t come whenever they want. And if you see me every day you will lose interest, if people get anything easily they don’t take care of it. So, why you were calling me? Angel replied.

: I’m having some problem!

: What is it?

: Every time I do close my eyes, a smiley face comes up, whenever I do try to look at that face, my eyes hurt, because she has got very powerful eyes. There is something’s in her face so powerful. I can't explain. 

: How long have you been dreaming that face?

: It’s all started five months ago, it was occasionally, ones a week, but day by day it’s increases. Now I do see that face every day.I'm scared to close my eyes.

: Do you understand what happening?

: Yes, I think I do! But, it hurts. I want to get over it.

: I don’t think you will be able to do it. You‘ve just opened a ‘feeling window.’ Even thou if you close that, still window will be there.

: Does she know about your feeling?

: I don’t know! Sometime I think she does.

: Do you know you have a big problem?  You do jump for conclusion very quickly; you need to go more slow approach, you need to give chance’ love tree’ to grow up, it is very ‘soft baby tree,’ if you shake it too much it will break down. The way you have feeling for her, maybe she doesn’t think the same way.

: I would like to meet her family!

: You, human are so predictable; always want to get everything together, you‘ve just meet. You know, love is not sin, love is the name of patient, love is not only happiness, inside the love there are sadness, there are sacrifices, forgiveness, can you do that?

: I don’t know, it feels- my breath was incomplete, heartbeat incomplete, incomplete was I.

But now the moon is full, complete in the sky, and now with her complete am I....!!

Touch By Angel !

From my childhood I wanted to meet an Angel, I was looking everywhere I go, every things I do, but I never meat one, I’ve lost my hope, thought- they don’t exist.

Last week an Angel came on my dream, white cloths, ginger heir, flower in hand. And said,- ‘I heard you are looking for an Angel for quite a long time!! Do you want to meet one?’

I thought just only dream. Second time as the same, but third time got bit serious, when Angel came in, I said, you don’t exist and you are not real! I’m dreaming because, I wanted to meet one. Angel said, ‘if you want to see me in real com to …Park.’ (Can’t give the full name some people might get excited).

It’s faraway! I replied.

:You need to make some sacrifice, if you want to meet an angel. 12.00. On Friday.

I went there at 11.45 because, I was so excited, and followed all the procedures told me to follow.

12.00 o’clock no one in. 12.30 no sign of Angel, when I was considering myself as stupid! at 1.oo o’clock I finally I saw the Angel. And said, - because, you are an Angel so you are allowed to come one hour late!

Angel said, ‘I was checking your patience. If you want to have good things in life, you need to have some patience.’

: What do you think? Have I got pass?

: It’s long way to go, we just meet. I can’t say anything yet. You need to be passionate, have to be crystal clear what you want in your life.

: Can I touch you?

: If you do touch me, you will lose your attraction..! Angel replied.

: If I don’t touch you, it will be a dream. I don’t want to be in the dream!

: Ok! Go on then! But remember, take everything slow and easy, don’t rush. You will get whatever you want if you are patience.

I was really scared to touch angle hand, but when did it, there was electric shock went into my body, it was rear feeling, I can’t explain. I wasn’t sure what to do!!!  

: When I can see you again? I asked.

: Whenever you like. Just remember me from bottom of your heart. I will be there !

One way Love !!!

Again I can’t say it, feels rough. It’s not new, happening all the time every one’s life.  The great thing is people do get over it. I always do think time is good teacher. Life goes on. Within couple of days I’ll forget everything. I wanted to show her how much feeling I have got! I would do anything literally anything, if she asks me to do!!
Long time ago someone told me, if you don’t ask, you won’t get, but, I can’t ask !
 Like all third-rate people, I do dream every day, make plan how I’ll do it, but never tried to implement.
When I told her, she needs to start trusting me, it’s very important,
She said I don’t always tell her the truth!
If I always tell her the truth I wouldn’t need her to trust me. Would I!
When your friend knows, you like her, love her, then she start taking the advantage in every possible way or piss you off.  I’m not saying everyone is the same, but most of them are like that.
The reason, I have a crash on her,’’ I can sense her approach before I see her!’ she always ignores me.’ Whenever I look at her my eyes hurt, I can’t constantly enjoy her beauty, I have to close my eyes need to look back again.’’ Some time I do think she knows I do love her, like her. But she acts like- she doesn’t know any things. Moreover, I do think every girl has got same instinct.
In life there are lots of love goes without notice, without recognition. Some time we do have feeling for some days, weeks or months and then it’s gone. BY saying it’s ‘gone’ I mean-the ‘feeling window’ goes close! We cannot forget that feeling completely. Any time that ‘window’ get chance its get open. Because, the love was only one way, ‘outgoing’!
I was thinking, ‘I would drink couple of glasses form her Sea of heart’. But it seems even thou she own the ‘Sea’, she is miser. I don’t have big heart like her, but still I don’t mind to shear.
She was teaching me language, some unknown reason she stopped that, I was looking for cause, but can’t find any. It’s hurts when you are looking for a reason and can’t find.
However, It is one way love, she hasn’t got any idea that-I like her. She is 5 years younger than me,( i know this is not a big deal), she has got strong personality, I’m really scared I’ll lose mine, which I don’t want. She is not mature enough yet.
When a dream goes broken, of course there is pain in heart, but we have to carry on moving...!!

NB : To my language teacher.OZ....